Good Morning, Valentine.

Dear [insert your name here],

It is with a heavy heart that I send this letter, knowing that it will reach each of you on Valentine's Day. I simply feel that the longer I wait, the more distressful this news could be.

First, thank you for the flowers/chocolates/fine Irish whiskey that you sent this morning. I know that I've told you before that the only gift I need is "your love." The fact that you knew I was lying, and that you still sent me that ipod/artwork/stripper really proves how well you know me, and how much you care.

Sadly, that only makes this more difficult. As you know, the District Court has recommended that we give each other a little space (1,000 feet, to be precise) during this "cooling off" period. Our last encounter, as I'm sure you remember, was a bit heated to say the least. My time spent in an undisclosed location avoiding the authorities gave me plenty of time to think about my relationships with each of you and the twists they have taken as of late. That time reflecting on "us" made me realize, simply, that "we" need to move on with our lives.

Due to an overwhelming number of suitors, it is tradition each year for me to take a long, hard look at my life and relationships, and to determine where I can make some "cuts." I do hope that you don't take this personally. You're a really great girl/guy, and I will remember fondly all of our time together, in the backs of squad cars and otherwise. But I think we both know that you are not "the one" for me, despite the song you wrote to the contrary.

If you look back over our time together, I feel certain that you will see that this break-up has been a long time coming. You must have suspected that something was amiss when I accidentally "sold" you to that tattoo parlor, or when I planted meth on you and had you arrested. I hope it wasn't too much trouble.

As always, I apologize for my poor timing and inability to send each of you a "personal" email...but I'm sure that you understand my predicament. I hope we can still be friends and such.

Your Former Valentine,
Unfortunate Lawyer