Little People, Big Ideas

Things my (tiny) friend Rachel has promised to "bring back":

• vests


• shirts with Tonka trucks


• rain boots (aren't those already "back"?)


• gold


• Abraham Lincoln

Confession

My mother still buys me underwear. I don't know why she thinks I can't buy my own underwear. I can definitely buy my own underwear.

The latest pair has caused me some concern.

Deal with what...exactly?

I do hate your eggrolls.

Yesterday evening, I was unreachable by phone for exactly 90 minutes. I was giving a speech to a room full of old lawyers eating roast beef, bacon-flavored corn, and non-birthday birthday cake.

When I checked my phone, I had 18 text messages from 12 people, more than I usually receive in an entire day. None of the texts, standing alone, was particularly noteworthy. But strung together as one imaginary conversation...


"If one was looking, where would one find you tonight?"

"In your 'summer robe' made of pad thai and gobstoppers."

"Do you ever feel like your car wants you dead?"

"I wish - I passed out at 9:30."

"Your pathetic display of affection last night made my heart warm."

"I'm not on my A-game."

"I bet you're pretty pleased that you eluded me."

"That's exactly what you want, isn't it? So transparent."

"Haha! Georgia was wearing your nametag around the event tonight. She was drunk. Are we breaking up?"

"One of my board members was wearing your nametag around all night. Did I mention she's in AA?"

"I've been lost all day without talking to you. I have been sad."

"R u furious with me?"

"Mitzi, You know why! Now you gotta french braid my hair this weekend!"

"I'm drinking a rum & coke and contacting the FBI."

"I hope you were able to get your shaking under control. Today was a shit show."

"I'm not kidding about the FBI."

"You hate my eggrolls. I can tell."

"Take two shots of whiskey and call me in the AM."

Valtrex and Lies

I was watching TV the other night, and I saw a commercial for Valtrex. It's a medication that treats genital herpes. Apparently, people with this particular STD have pretty awesome lives. They're all attractive and in shape. They all have attractive and in shape significant others who know about their STD and don't really mind. They go canoeing, they run on the beach, they go to exclusive pool parties, they lie in hammocks with their boyfriends/girlfriends, etc. They talk to their doctors and make sure their partners are protected and don't have sex before or during outbreaks.

I could almost believe that people with genital herpes really live like that. But then I noticed something that really didn't make a lot of sense to me: the lady who wears knee pads, elbow pads, wrist guards, and a helmet while rollerblading. Something about that struck me as odd, and I asked myself, how does a person who goes to such lengths to protect herself while engaging in a relatively safe and no longer existent sport manage to contract genital herpes? How does a person remember to wear wrist guards but doesn't remember to use condoms? How exactly does that happen? It's very wise to think about your safety while rollerblading. Who wants a sprained wrist or scraped elbow? I certainly wouldn't. But you know what else I don't want? Genital herpes. So allow me to give you some advice, fake lady from the Valtrex commercial: why don't you go ahead and trade in those knee pads for a pack of trojans? I assure you, if you care about your safety, which you clearly do, condoms can do a lot more for you than the safety equipment you currently use.

My Brand New House. Well, not mine exactly.

My friend Troy and his boyfriend bought their first house last night. Troy's default position is something in the grumpy-27-year-old-curmudgeon category, so the ear-to-ear grin that he wore for several hours was really something to see.

The house. is. awesome. It's in a funky, liberal, historic neighborhood close to downtown. His backyard has a stream, pond, AND waterfall, and the upstairs bathroom has...wait for it...a bidet. God only knows what he and his boyfriend will use that for.

My favorite thing might be that the house has a library. Not just a room with lots of books. But a library with aisles of floor-to-ceiling bookshelves. His offer on the house has only been accepted for about 20 hours, and I've already worn out all the jokes I can think of involving Mrs. Peacock and a candlestick. I need to work on something new. If only the house had a conservatory. And some rope.

I saw the inside of the house for the first time today. The good news: It looks like your rich grandma's mansion. The bad news: It looks like your rich, crazy grandma's mansion. You know...your grandma who has 13 cats, a banjo, and who drops acid before she picks out her wallpaper. (Troy...don't get upset. I love it love it love it. Let's just take care of those metallic/pheasant-loving/flowered walls sooner rather than later).

Anyway, gotta run. I have to meet Professor Plum. He apparently needs to borrow a wrench.

Oh, and congratulations, Troy & Eric. I think you (we) will be really happy together in your (our) new house.

In case your friends are perverts, too.

Keep your fingers crossed that your chosen friends have done something questionable enough online that they'll consider federal prison survival tactics for at least a couple of minutes. At LEAST a couple of minutes.

COALITION AGAINST ONLINE PREDATORS

March 31, 2008

Re: Case File CD3452
Adam XXXXXX (DOB: 1-1-78)

Dear Mr. XXXXXX:

Our organization has been active since 2001 in investigating and reporting illegal activities related to the online solicitation and corruption of minors. Several internet accounts registered to your name have been monitored by our organization since September of 2007. Multiple accounts have been identified as containing inappropriate or unlawful contact or attempted contact with minors or individuals purporting to be minors. Such contact includes repeated attempted access to the personal webpages of minors for purposes prohibited by law. These accounts include, but may not be limited to:

-------------------------------------------------------

facebook.com/profile.php?id=123456789

adamxxxx20@hotmail.com

--------------------------------------

You may not be aware that it is a violation of several state and federal statutes to solicit minors, attempt to solicit minors, or distribute corruptive materials to minors via the internet. It appears that your current activity violates the following state and federal statutes, nonexclusive:

State Code § 728.12 Sexual Exploitation of a Minor – Class “C” Felony

United States Code § 2G2.1 Sexually Exploiting a Minor by Production of Sexually Explicit Visual or Printed Material – Base Offense Level 32

United States Code § 2G2.2 Receiving, Transporting, Shipping, Soliciting, or Advertising Material Involving the Sexual Exploitation of a Minor – Base Offense Level 18

Count I – Base Level + 2 – At least 10 images but fewer than 150

Count II – Base Level + 7 – Distribution to a minor intended to
persuade, induce, entice, coerce, or facilitate the travel of the minor to engage in prohibited sexual conduct

United States Code § 2G3.1 Importing, Transporting, or Mailing Obscene Matter; Transferring Obscene Matter to a Minor – Base Offense Level 10

Because of your activities, you have been placed on a short list of individuals for continued intensive monitoring. This list, as well as all documentation and results from our investigation, will be provided to the federal prosecutor for the Southern District of [State] thirty (30) days after your receipt of this letter. We advise that you discontinue any and all unlawful internet usage immediately, although it will ultimately be the determination of the federal prosecutor whether to bring the above charges against you.

On a personal note from our coalition: We, as parents, find your actions reprehensible and we hope that you will be punished to the fullest extent of the law.

Sincerely,



T. Blommers
Executive Director

Fools of the April Variety

I don't know where this mean streak comes from. But after a month of planning, Brad and I kicked back to watch April Fools Day unfold like this:

• 4 fake letters to friends indicating that they are under surveillance for soliciting minors online and will likely be prosecuted for multiple felonies



• 2 fake letters to friends strongly implying that they have gonorrhea and/or chlamydia



• 1 fake email address, which sent out invitations and flyers to a friend's "first performance as drag queen Lola Twat"



• 1 fake paternity test, promising a 99.99% likelihood of fatherhood to an illegitimate child



• 1 saran-wrapped car



• 760 dixie cups, stapled together in one giant mass, placed on someone's porch and filled with various flavors of Kool-Aid