I got a letter from my health insurance company today telling me how to get pregnant.
"Dear Unfortunate Lawyer: We have analyzed medical claims data that indicate you might be interested in or are pursuing treatment for infertility. We want to make you aware that UnitedHealthcare has infertility services available to you..."
Wow, UnitedHealthcare. Wow, did you ever get that one wrong.
"You and your partner have access to a network of superior services...etc, etc...we look forward to helping you on your journey."
Really? Do you? Because I could list 1,000 things that I want right now, and exactly none of those things would be "baby." In fact, if there's one thing I dislike more than the sound of children playing, it's the sound of children singing. And if there's one thing I detest more than the sound of children singing, it's the sound of babies crying. But sure, let's do this. Let's embark on this beautiful journey together. A journey that started, apparently, with me changing my birth control prescription, and progressed to you writing me letters about my unwanted child and a "partner" that I don't have. Thanks. I can't wait to see where we go from here.
8.06.2009
What the $#@%!
When people go out to dinner, they normally do not order dessert. That has been my experience and it kind of pisses me off. People will inevitably say no when the waiter comes by the table and asks if anyone is interested in dessert. Why? Why don't you want any dessert? You're too full? Really? I don't think so. I think you're just too afraid to say you want dessert because you think people will secretly judge you.
There is, however, a time when almost everyone will order dessert. That is when it's someone's birthday. But here's the thing: if it's someone's birthday, there will usually be a group of people and they will only order ONE DESSERT. I went out to dinner for three of my friends' birthdays in January. And of course this is what happened.
I sat in my corner of the table silently brewing over the complete absurdity of the decision to order one dessert for eight people. How does that make sense? How is that logical? IT'S NOT. But I told myself to relax. Everything would be okay. The fact that my friends think it's just FINE to order one dessert for eight people would probably mean that I would not get to have very much of it. I reassured myself that I could always go to the McDonald's drive thru and get a sundae afterward. Because I do things like that.
When the dessert came, everyone took one bite. No one seemed to care about it. Pretty soon I was eating that entire thing by myself.
There is, however, a time when almost everyone will order dessert. That is when it's someone's birthday. But here's the thing: if it's someone's birthday, there will usually be a group of people and they will only order ONE DESSERT. I went out to dinner for three of my friends' birthdays in January. And of course this is what happened.
I sat in my corner of the table silently brewing over the complete absurdity of the decision to order one dessert for eight people. How does that make sense? How is that logical? IT'S NOT. But I told myself to relax. Everything would be okay. The fact that my friends think it's just FINE to order one dessert for eight people would probably mean that I would not get to have very much of it. I reassured myself that I could always go to the McDonald's drive thru and get a sundae afterward. Because I do things like that.
When the dessert came, everyone took one bite. No one seemed to care about it. Pretty soon I was eating that entire thing by myself.
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