The oldest partner in my law firm is 76. He is very kind and he laughs a lot and he once saw me pour non-dairy creamer on a grapefruit and didn't say anything about it. He wears moccasins to the office and calls me "kiddo." He has also, on multiple occasions, offered to bail me out of jail should the need ever arise.
Today, it was my job to collect signatures from attorneys in my firm, if those attorneys wanted to be re-authorized to visit clients at the county jail. The moccasin-wearer joked that at this point in his career, he probably wouldn't be found at the jail unless he was an involuntary guest. As I left his office I offered, as he has many times to me, to post his bail if that happened. He nodded slowly, looked to the side, and sat quietly for a moment.
"Don't worry about bail, kiddo. If I go in, it'll be for something big."
1.05.2010
Cold. Bonecrushing Cold.
The temperature over the past couple of days has been hovering between -20 and -5 degrees. I have been wearing these gloves, which have been met with some resistance. Troy audibly groaned when I put them on as we were leaving a restaurant. Brad hid his face because he was embarassed to even be near someone who would wear something so horrible. Travis told me that I looked like a bird handler waiting for an eagle to land on my hand and dig into me with its talons.
I am freeeezing. But my hands are warm.
"Time for the weather report. It's cold out, folks. Bonecrushing cold. The kind of cold which will wrench the spirit out of a young man, or forge it into steel." -Northern Exposure, 1992
I am freeeezing. But my hands are warm."Time for the weather report. It's cold out, folks. Bonecrushing cold. The kind of cold which will wrench the spirit out of a young man, or forge it into steel." -Northern Exposure, 1992
12.22.2009
"It sounds like you'll at least have a new pillow to cry on." - Guest-Blogger
Thanks to my friend, who is choosing to remain anonymous, for the following response to my mother's warnings about the weather/ditches. It makes me feel better, somehow.
Oh dear…
Ominous warnings indeed. 10-20 inches of snow!? Good heavens, where does your mother get her forecast---weatherarmageddon.com? My family is equally on high weather alert. There has been much communication and I have forwarded no less than two news articles to my sisters updating them on the forecast and how it impacts departure for home. I have moved up my own departure to this afternoon, ahead of my reckless sister and brother in law who aren’t leaving until mid-morning tomorrow when the news claims there will be a surge of warm air that will de-ice the roads and bring momentary tropical conditions to the interstate in advance of the storm’s next phase.
I had a very involved conversation with my sister this morning concerning not only weather, but the mounting emotional stress and strain of my family this Christmas. It should prove interesting. My father has been spending time on the roof in a perilous and somewhat hopeless attempt at thwarting a leak in the ceiling that has caused much concern and lead to the repositioning of the living room couch. The build up of snow has proven too much for the shingles, and the forecast is obviously threatening that the drips will only continue, which will lead to my father snow blowing a path through the backyard to make room for his truck so that he can use it as an anchor to position his ladder so he can climb onto the house. All of this naturally concerns my mother, not so much for the fact that her 71-year old husband will be spending more time on top of the house this Christmas than Santa Claus, but for its sheer inconvenience at a time when she needs the house to be at its most homey and hospitable. Naturally, my sisters are terrified of the thought of Dad scaling the house so there has been much scolding back and forth.
This is also the first Christmas for my mother since my Grandma died, which adds another layer of emotion. My pregnant sister doesn’t deal well with emotion anyway and has already declared she will be of no comfort to Mom whatsoever for fear of going into labor. Christmas Eve church service tears are inevitable so I have been nominated as the emotional buffer. To top it all off, my mother remains worried about me, my health, and that I will spiral into depression at any moment circa 2006 because I am gay and have an overactive colon. I’m sure everyone just wishes I had a wife to make it all better.
In spite of it all, I am looking forward to being home and hope everything goes off without a hitch. And I hope that your festivities prove worth the dangerous journey as well, and that your gifts will not be distributed to the needy. If they are, it sounds like you’ll at least have a new pillow to cry on…
Travel safe and don’t dilly dally on your departure. I expect updates as to your progress when necessary and convenient. A very Merry Christmas to you as well.
Oh dear…
Ominous warnings indeed. 10-20 inches of snow!? Good heavens, where does your mother get her forecast---weatherarmageddon.com? My family is equally on high weather alert. There has been much communication and I have forwarded no less than two news articles to my sisters updating them on the forecast and how it impacts departure for home. I have moved up my own departure to this afternoon, ahead of my reckless sister and brother in law who aren’t leaving until mid-morning tomorrow when the news claims there will be a surge of warm air that will de-ice the roads and bring momentary tropical conditions to the interstate in advance of the storm’s next phase.
I had a very involved conversation with my sister this morning concerning not only weather, but the mounting emotional stress and strain of my family this Christmas. It should prove interesting. My father has been spending time on the roof in a perilous and somewhat hopeless attempt at thwarting a leak in the ceiling that has caused much concern and lead to the repositioning of the living room couch. The build up of snow has proven too much for the shingles, and the forecast is obviously threatening that the drips will only continue, which will lead to my father snow blowing a path through the backyard to make room for his truck so that he can use it as an anchor to position his ladder so he can climb onto the house. All of this naturally concerns my mother, not so much for the fact that her 71-year old husband will be spending more time on top of the house this Christmas than Santa Claus, but for its sheer inconvenience at a time when she needs the house to be at its most homey and hospitable. Naturally, my sisters are terrified of the thought of Dad scaling the house so there has been much scolding back and forth.
This is also the first Christmas for my mother since my Grandma died, which adds another layer of emotion. My pregnant sister doesn’t deal well with emotion anyway and has already declared she will be of no comfort to Mom whatsoever for fear of going into labor. Christmas Eve church service tears are inevitable so I have been nominated as the emotional buffer. To top it all off, my mother remains worried about me, my health, and that I will spiral into depression at any moment circa 2006 because I am gay and have an overactive colon. I’m sure everyone just wishes I had a wife to make it all better.
In spite of it all, I am looking forward to being home and hope everything goes off without a hitch. And I hope that your festivities prove worth the dangerous journey as well, and that your gifts will not be distributed to the needy. If they are, it sounds like you’ll at least have a new pillow to cry on…
Travel safe and don’t dilly dally on your departure. I expect updates as to your progress when necessary and convenient. A very Merry Christmas to you as well.
Christmas in a Ditch
From: MOM
Date: Tue, Dec 22, 2009 at 10:42 AM
Subject: Christmas
To: Unfortunate Lawyer
If you want to spend Christmas at the farm, you better get out of there asap on Wednesday. If you wait till afternoon, you and your sister will either be stuck there for Christmas, in a ditch between here and there, or in a motel somewhere. Wednesday afternoon it is supposed to be very windy - freezing rain, and snow starting - and we are going to get 10-20" from Wed until Fri night. Could another lawyer do your afternoon court thing for you? Can you move it to next week because of the weather? Let me know what is up....OK?? I bought some pillow fabric for your sister; if she doesn't like it, that's OK. We'll at least practice making pillows with it. Hope to hear back from you. LUV MOM
From: Unfortunate Lawyer
Date: Tue, Dec 22, 2009 at 10:46 AM
Subject: Christmas
To: MOM
We can leave right after court tomorrow. I should be done by 2:30 or so. No one else can cover it, and they won't continue it because my client has to go to jail tomorrow. They assume that asking for a continuance is just a ploy to keep him out of jail for Christmas. We'll leave as soon as possible.
Love, Unfortunate
From: MOM
Date: Tue, Dec 22, 2009 at 10:53 AM
Subject: Christmas
To: Unfortunate Lawyer
Tell the judge to make it short & sweet.....Dad will talk to you later, when you leave about which route to take to avoid the most snow and ice. Call when you leave.... IT WILL BE BAD, SO GET YOUR BUTTS OUT OF THERE ASAP!! Otherwise, I'll just have to give your gifts to the needy in town. Later--LUV MOM. PS: just talked to your sister and she is good with the pillow project.
Date: Tue, Dec 22, 2009 at 10:42 AM
Subject: Christmas
To: Unfortunate Lawyer
If you want to spend Christmas at the farm, you better get out of there asap on Wednesday. If you wait till afternoon, you and your sister will either be stuck there for Christmas, in a ditch between here and there, or in a motel somewhere. Wednesday afternoon it is supposed to be very windy - freezing rain, and snow starting - and we are going to get 10-20" from Wed until Fri night. Could another lawyer do your afternoon court thing for you? Can you move it to next week because of the weather? Let me know what is up....OK?? I bought some pillow fabric for your sister; if she doesn't like it, that's OK. We'll at least practice making pillows with it. Hope to hear back from you. LUV MOM
From: Unfortunate Lawyer
Date: Tue, Dec 22, 2009 at 10:46 AM
Subject: Christmas
To: MOM
We can leave right after court tomorrow. I should be done by 2:30 or so. No one else can cover it, and they won't continue it because my client has to go to jail tomorrow. They assume that asking for a continuance is just a ploy to keep him out of jail for Christmas. We'll leave as soon as possible.
Love, Unfortunate
From: MOM
Date: Tue, Dec 22, 2009 at 10:53 AM
Subject: Christmas
To: Unfortunate Lawyer
Tell the judge to make it short & sweet.....Dad will talk to you later, when you leave about which route to take to avoid the most snow and ice. Call when you leave.... IT WILL BE BAD, SO GET YOUR BUTTS OUT OF THERE ASAP!! Otherwise, I'll just have to give your gifts to the needy in town. Later--LUV MOM. PS: just talked to your sister and she is good with the pillow project.
10.27.2009
Made of Sugar and Spice and a touch of Pure Evil
In my free time, I do a few side jobs. I teach a night class for college students because I enjoy helping them get into graduate school. I help a 9th grader with her math because she’s the coolest person I know. But another job involves spending an hour a week with a 10-year old girl. There’s only one reason I haven’t quit yet: spite. She doesn’t want me there, so I show up - every single week. Her mom is always in such good spirits when she picks up her daughter from the library.
“Well, it looks like you got a lot done today! Good job!”
Your daughter spit on me.
"Hopefully those math workbooks and flashcards are helping."
She hacked something up and spit on my arm in the middle of the library. I could all but see the H1N1 on my arm.
"I know it can be a challenge to keep her on task. She’s just so strong-willed."
Why do you always drop your voice to a nearly inaudible level every time you describe your daughter as ‘strong-willed?’ It’s not a bad word. It’s also inaccurate.
"You know, her teachers say she’s doing so much better since we got her on the medication. We’re really pleased."
Your child is a sociopath.
"Her grades have improved. We’ve noticed better behavior at home."
She could kill without remorse. Animals for sure. Possibly humans.
"We really appreciate you taking the time to work with her. I think it’s helping a lot with her confidence."
She put honey in my hair and tried to stick a toothpick in my eyeball. She attacked me like a wolf.
"She seems to enjoy her time with you."
She’s planning a way to kill me in my sleep. ‘Strong-willed?’ No. There are words for what your daughter is, but society frowns on calling children those things.
"We’ll see you next week – same time and place!"
An asshole...[as the monster hugs me]...your third grader is an absolute asshole.
“Well, it looks like you got a lot done today! Good job!”
Your daughter spit on me.
"Hopefully those math workbooks and flashcards are helping."
She hacked something up and spit on my arm in the middle of the library. I could all but see the H1N1 on my arm.
"I know it can be a challenge to keep her on task. She’s just so strong-willed."
Why do you always drop your voice to a nearly inaudible level every time you describe your daughter as ‘strong-willed?’ It’s not a bad word. It’s also inaccurate.
"You know, her teachers say she’s doing so much better since we got her on the medication. We’re really pleased."
Your child is a sociopath.
"Her grades have improved. We’ve noticed better behavior at home."
She could kill without remorse. Animals for sure. Possibly humans.
"We really appreciate you taking the time to work with her. I think it’s helping a lot with her confidence."
She put honey in my hair and tried to stick a toothpick in my eyeball. She attacked me like a wolf.
"She seems to enjoy her time with you."
She’s planning a way to kill me in my sleep. ‘Strong-willed?’ No. There are words for what your daughter is, but society frowns on calling children those things.
"We’ll see you next week – same time and place!"
An asshole...[as the monster hugs me]...your third grader is an absolute asshole.
I Know Why The Caged Bird Throws Himself In Front Of Oncoming Traffic
My friend Troy just got back from an arts conference at a mountain resort in Utah. The day he arrived, he noticed that the leaves on one tree on the mountainside had just started to turn yellow. He described sitting on his balcony reading a book and watching a waterfall crash down a mountain about fifty yards away. On the morning he left, all of the trees had turned. The way he described this place, I'd expect a rabbit in a tuxedo to serve me breakfast in bed.
One of the traditions of the conference is to release into the wild a bird that had been nurtured back to health over the past year. In a fitting tribute to nature, wildlife, and the liberal spirit of the conference, everyone gathered outdoors for some commemorative words. A celebrity was even there to shower praise on those who participate in these noble efforts. The caged bird patiently awaited 45 minutes of pomp and circumstance - surrounded by dozens of proud, self-satisfied conference attendees.
One of the traditions of the conference is to release into the wild a bird that had been nurtured back to health over the past year. In a fitting tribute to nature, wildlife, and the liberal spirit of the conference, everyone gathered outdoors for some commemorative words. A celebrity was even there to shower praise on those who participate in these noble efforts. The caged bird patiently awaited 45 minutes of pomp and circumstance - surrounded by dozens of proud, self-satisfied conference attendees.
Then finally, it was time. The cage was hoisted into the air. The door was opened. The bird flew free to the applause of the crowd! I'm certain, had Troy cared enough to look, he would have seen a few tears in the group. The bird soared to a nearby tree and perched atop a high branch, free at last. The program continued on, but the celebrity was soon interrupted by two consecutive sounds.
Thud. Gasp.
The bird, taking flight once again, had glided gracefully through the mountain air, dipped towards the green earth, and flown directly into the path of an oncoming bicycle.
I hope they release the same bird again next year.
*Photo credit: Jennifer Gregory on RatesToGo travelblog
9.25.2009
Death And All His Friends
I saw my client on the news this week...dead. I've had a few clients die in my four years as a lawyer. I've already been trained to check the Inmate Record at the county jail every morning to see if any clients were arrested the previous day. Now, I'll probably start reading the obituaries, too. Just in case.
There's nothing funny about my clients dying, and I'm not intending to make light of it. I just thought I'd take a minute to remember them here.
There's nothing funny about my clients dying, and I'm not intending to make light of it. I just thought I'd take a minute to remember them here.
#1 - You had some problems. You claimed that in the 80's, your junior high principal made you sign a confession for an FBI agent admitting to stealing your friend's babysitting checks. I doubt it, but I'm still sorry I couldn't help you more. I'm also sorry I could not recover lost earnings for you of $5,000 per week that you would have earned as an exotic dancer but for the same FBI agent harassing you at the strip club. I don't remember exactly how you died, but I always liked talking to you. You told good stories. RIP
#2 - I procrastinated for so long on your real estate case that you died of natural causes before I could finish it. Let this be a lesson to us. And by "us," I mean "me." You were a very nice man. I will probably have to work on your case for free for the next 10 years, just to get it off my desk. But that's my own fault. RIP
#3 - Your photo on the news looked like it was taken at Glamour Shots. You had a really foul mouth for a pretty girl, and I sort of liked that about you. Also, your name was Heaven, which is ironic because I seriously doubt it, if you know what I mean. RIP
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