Button Eyes, Lullabys, Carrot on the Ground

I have spent the past 3 days at my parents' farm. I will express my feelings about this, and my desire to get back home, by showing you my mother's Snowman Village:

I would have guessed something dirtier.

My friend Travis admitted to 2 things he does when he's home alone:

1. Sing
2. Practice his referee moves

"Did you take an Ambien with your Franzia and sleep walk here?"

There's an episode of 30 Rock where Liz Lemon proclaims that she has her life together as a tooth falls out of her mouth.

This morning, as I arrived at the courthouse, I was silently congratulating myself on several things:

1 - Having a productive weekend
2 - Creating a 'budget' for myself
3 - Cleaning my house AND doing all of my laundry
4 - Going to the gym
5 - Arriving at the courthouse on time

I think the phrase "I have my life together" was actually flashing into my mind as I opened my car door and it fell off.

Things My Mother Sends Me, Part 2

A phone call:

Troy: Hey, what's up? Where are you?

Me: On my way back from the courthouse. Want to know what I have in my briefcase right now? I'll give you 3 guesses.

Troy: Underwear.

Me: [silent]

Troy: Well?

Me: The game wasn't supposed to be that easy.

Fever Till You Sizzle, What A Lovely Way To Burn

A brief but powerful flu virus cheated me out of my weekend.

It started Friday at noon, and by 9pm, I had a temperature of 102 and was simultaneously shivering and sweating under a down blanket. My mom called to check on me. I was a little out of it, but I remember her talking a lot. In my feverish delerium, I recall two pieces of the conversation very distinctly:

1 - "You need to take some Tylenol. For the fever. You don't have Tylenol in the house? How can you not have Tylenol? No, Ibuprofen and Alleve are not Tylenol. You know, Tylenol is a pretty basic thing and you should really have it around. Well...Tylenol PM will be okay for tonight, but tomorrow, you really need to go buy some extra strength Tylenol. I can't believe you don't have Tylenol in your house. [speaking across the room to my dad] No, she doesn't have any Tylenol. No Tylenol in the house - can you believe that? Huh. Well, how about aspirin? Do you have any aspirin? No, Ibuprofen and Alleve are not aspirin. Really, Tylenol is a very basic thing. Nowhere in your house do you have Tylenol? You know, Tylenol is something you should really just have on hand."

2 - "...and it's not like you have a husband to take care of you..."

That shade of Humiliation looks great on you.

Halloween found me wearing 5-inch platform shoes, a long blonde wig, and an Alice in Wonderland dress. It also found me at a party where at least 3 men were dressed as women.

I had been talking to a boy for 5 minutes when he suddenly poked my chest (which was at his eye-level) and asked, "What are your boobs made out of?"

I thought it was unusual that a complete stranger had just felt me up, and I looked at him, confused. "They're just...my boobs," I said, not understanding.

It took a moment to sink in.

I took off my wig and vowed not to wear the platform shoes for another 365 days.






(Also pictured: Penelope, who dances like this in front of complete strangers.)

Keep smilin', Keep shinin'

Over Halloween weekend, my co-blogger, Penelope, traveled the 832 miles from her doorstep to mine for a visit. She had been in town for about an hour when we grabbed a late lunch. The kid making my sandwich was trying to have a conversation with us, which did not go well.

Penelope turned grumpy. Eyes: rolling. Smile: fake. Face: exasperated.

"What's the problem?" I asked, since the mood was very unlike her.

"I haven't seen you since January, and there is no way in hell I am sharing you with the Quizno's boy."

It was the nicest thing she's ever said to me.

You would see the biggest gift would be from me, and the card attached would say...

"If you're not winning the game with the personnel on the field, then you have to bring in the replacements."

My friend made that comment yesterday. He wasn't talking about sports, and it wasn't a metaphor related to the election.

He was talking about his friends. I hope I don't get benched.

Election Day

It's election morning. Official results are several hours away, but I think that our collective optimism is best expressed through the text that Matt sent to Brad last night:

"It's like tomorrow is Christmas. But Santa is like God. And I have a feeling God thinks we have been good."


-----------------------Not Matt-----------------------------Matt------