My Dearest [insert your name here],
Before I begin, I do sincerely apologize that this message reaches you on Valentine's Day. Nonetheless, it is once again that fateful time of the year when personal tradition demands that I take a long hard look at my romantic relationships with each of you, and determine where I can make some "cuts."
Over the past year, I have truly appreciated the dozens of ways you have expressed your affection for me. When you surprised me with that dinner/trip to Mexico/flask of whiskey hidden in a hollowed-out Bible, I really thought that you were everything a girl could ever want. There's no easy way to say this, but...lately it just feels like you're not trying very hard.
Your love and dedication have been luke-warm at best. Honestly, how many times in the past month have you smashed a beer bottle over the head of someone who accidentally brushed up against me, or peppersprayed an overfriendly sales clerk to prove your love for me? I'll tell you how many times -- the same number of times you carved my name into your arm with a razor blade and got it tattooed in cursive on your neck: None. Zero.
Sure, you'll probably cry a little bit over our break-up today, but the guy/girl of my dreams would call, beg me to take him/her back, and offer money, jewelry, and deviant sex to win me back. In short...it's not me...it's you.
As always, I feel badly that this break-up must fall on today, of all days. The flowers you sent were lovely. I have enjoyed our romance more than words can express, and I know that someday soon I may regret this decision. But for now, it is simply time for each of us to move on with our lives. I do hope we can remain friends and such.
Your former Valentine,
Unfortunate Lawyer
P.S. I'm not saying you turned me gay, but I'm not saying you didn't.
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