Good Evening, Valentine.

My dearest (insert your name here),

As is tradition around this time of year, I have been taking a long, hard look at my life and relationships. I do sincerely apologize that this news reaches you on Valentine's Day, but I simply feel that this matter cannot wait any longer.

As I'm sure you remember quite well, you and I recently entered into the sacred bonds of marriage. While most of our time together has been an absolute delight, my own conscience (and the State of North Virginia) insists that I pursue this course of action without further delay. Due to some unfortunate oversights, it seems that I have illicitly "taken other lovers," and that you are, in fact, not my only husband/wife.

Attached, you will find the appropriate documents to remedy our situation. I know you believe that I have been "emotionally absent" and "drunk" for much of our marriage, but I also know that you will agree with me that these trivial details do not need to be shared with the "District Court of North Virginia." This would only bring more heartache to an already painful process.
My darling, I do hope that you are not alarmed or upset by your legal assumption of half of my credit card and law school debts, and further hope that you can be comforted by your acquisition of half of my equity in the following items: 26 pair of shoes (size: men's 16), DVD box sets of Seasons 6 and 7 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, $5.00 store credit at Applebee's, and one beige recliner. I know that I do not need to detail my affection for these items, which are now "ours" to divide, just as your car, home, and savings account are "ours."

As always, I apologize for my poor timing and inability to send each of you a "personal" email and divorce petition. I'm sure that you understand my predicament. I hope we can still be friends and such. Despite this untimely end, I hope you will look back on our marriage with as much fondness and confusion as I will.

All Best,
Unfortunate Lawyer