You're on a Need-To-Know Basis.

Dear Client:

Today was embarassing. Today, I had to tell a judge that you no longer wanted me to represent you. This, though, was not the embarassing part. I don't give a crap if you don't want me to represent you. There are lots of reasons you might have for hiring a different attorney:

1 - I didn't show up for your first hearing. (This wasn't as bad as it sounds.)

2 - I'm a girl, and you don't like girls. (Ok, I don't really know how you feel about girls in theory... but I do know that you hit them pretty often. And I know that I hit things that I don't like, like my unbalanced washing machine.)

3 - At least in the attorney world, I come in on the young side at 29. For that reason, you might think that I suck at my job. (I don't. At least, not always.)

When you told me that you hired another attorney, that was fine. But I what I needed to know was WHO the other attorney was so I could (1) call that attorney to confirm it; and (2) withdraw from the case. I believe your exact words were, "I don't want to offend you, but I'm really not comfortable telling you that."

Okay. Let's talk about this.

Thing is...this is a strange piece of information you've chosen to withhold from me. You've already told me that you hit your girlfriend. You also told me that one thing I might hear about during this case is how you make your girlfriend have "freaky sex." And even though I didn't ask for any details about it, you provided me with a few. I looked back (nostalgically) at my legal pad of notes from our first (and only) meeting, and here are some of the things I wrote down:

• always picked them up --> have sex at lake
• T---- still writes: she's "psycho"
• victim didn't mention his gold tooth in description - mistaken identity?
• tie her up when drunk/drugged/high for sex, sometimes "rough"
• "gigolo"

Client, I'm not going to pretend that I've understood everything you've told me. I don't even understand my own notes about you. But my point is this: you've told me a lot of things. Personal things. Why wouldn't you just tell me who your new attorney was? Because today, I asked the Judge for permission to withdraw from your case, and he naturally asked who would be replacing me. When I was forced to say,

"I don't know, Your Honor. My client won't tell me," I'm pretty sure the Judge was mocking me when he replied,

"Because it's a secret?"

By the way, Client, I looked up your new attorney in the Clerk's office. It's Larry. And Larry sucks. Enjoy jail.

All best,
Unfortunate Lawyer