Dear Client

Dear Client:

I think it's time we had a little chat. I know that you are guilty. Not just a little bit guilty. You are absolutely, flagrantly, 100% guilty as hell. You did it. All of it. In fact, you're even guilty of a few things the prosecutor didn't charge you with. So let's just cut the act, shall we?

Oh, I'll still represent you. It's not a problem. I do it all the time. I just wanted you to know that I know. Here's what you need to do: (1) sit there; and (2) look less guilty than you do right now.

Can you do that? Seriously...let me do all the work here. I know you don't think so, since the court appointed me to be your free lawyer, but I'm pretty good at my job. Am I the best lawyer around? God, no. But one of us here is facing 3 felony charges and the other is not. So climb down off your high horse.

Client, I'm so glad I got this off my chest. I've been wanting to tell you this for a long time, and I feel like we've really cleared the air between us. I certainly hope that we can still be friends and such. I'll see you in court tomorrow. Me: tall, business suit, briefcase. You: look exactly like Santa Claus, but in an orange jumpsuit and shackles.

All best,
Unfortunate Lawyer