Figure Me Out and Set Me Free (for $40)

On Friday, I parked in the courthouse parking lot without a valid parking permit visible in my windshield. I've been doing this for at least 6 months with no repurcussions. Before that, I maybe got 2 tickets in a year. It's a risk that I do not acknowledge. I saw the parking attendant heading in the direction of my car as I locked the doors and started walking toward the building. I knew this meant I would get a parking ticket. I was running late, and I did not care.

"Hey! Hey, lady! Do you have valid parking pass?"

I will pretend I cannot hear you, I decided quickly. I will be silent and keep walking. Under no circumstances will I be moving that car.

"HEY. HEY, LADY! Purple Jeep! PURPLE JEEP! HEY!!!!"

I could be deaf, I rationalized. How do you know I'm not deaf? You are making a scene. People are looking. And my Jeep is blue, not purple.

"HEEEEYYY YOU!! YOU! PURPLE JEEP!"

I could be deaf OR I could be wearing headphones. You don't know. I will not turn around, no matter how loudly you yell.

"HEY!!! LADY WALKING ACROSS THE STREET. I WILL GIVE YOU A TICKET IF YOU DO NOT MOVE THIS CAR! HEEEEEEYYYYYYY!"

Yes! Give me a ticket! Isn't it your job to give me a ticket? Why are you screaming at me? Please...please just write the ticket and let's both move on from this ugly affair.

"HEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYY YOUUUUUUUUU!!"

This is very uncomfortable.

Silence followed.

Oh, thank god, I thought. She's writing the ticket. It's over. Thank you...I'm sorry I parked in your lot without a valid parking permit visible in my windshield. I truly am.

I stopped holding my breath.

"HEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYY YOU! WOMAN WALKING UP THE STAIRS!!!!"

Seriously? You cannot tell me this is fun for you. I know it is not fun for me, and this simply cannot be fun for you, either. I beg you to please just write me the damn ticket.

"Um...excuse me, Miss. I think that woman over there is trying to get your attention." An attorney that I recognized was pointing behind me, across the street, at a woman wearing all purple (she matched my jeep), who was standing with her arms over her head...one wildly waving a clipboard...the other tangled into her own hair, as if to pull it out. She looked, from my brief glance, like the type of person not at all accustomed to being ignored, by reason of her insanity.

This guy definitely knows that I'm not deaf, I cursed. "Thanks," I told him.

I was nearly up the courthouse steps when I stopped and turned, giving in at last. At this acknowledgement, she put down her arms and was silent for a moment. I nodded at her, smiled warmly, and waved as if seeing off an old friend at the airport. She began to write me a ticket, and I pushed through the revolving door to start my day.