L-I-A-R

This morning, I had a deposition involving 3 attorneys, 1 court reporter, and my client, who was appearing by phone from a state prison.

Soon, a transcript of the deposition will exist, forever preserving each and every word spoken during those 4 hours. A court reporter doesn't edit the transcript when you misspeak, mispronounce, or just generally sound like a jerk. And when you mess up and then look at the court reporter and say "strike that," she doesn't actually 'strike that.' When you try to do that, the transcript is going to look something like this:

Unfortunate Lawyer: So when you went to the...when you left your house for the...let's see...when you were walking out the door...oh, uh...strike that...when you...while you...okay strike that. I'll start over. Is all of this on the record? Okay, strike that. Did you leave your house that day?

Here's a list of some of the things I said on the record today, now preserved for generations to come. I wish I could assure you that these things were all (1) appropriate, (2) relevant, and (3) well-received, and that they only seem strange here because they are taken out of context. I can provide no such assurance.

• "Let's move on from the pepperoni Hot Pocket."
• "Would you say the gold tooth is noticeable?... And is that for practical purposes or for decoration?"
• (to another attorney) "You go first...no, you go...me? No, you go ahead...really...you go."
• "Did your trial attorney tell you the State's plea offer of...oh, shoot, I broke my pencil...whoops...is there...let's see, I might have...ah, sorry...do you have a pencil I can use?"
• "dead alibi" x 9
• "Let's talk about your claim that your trial lawyer was ineffective. Did he... Did he not... Well, let's just do it this way. Why did you tell the judge that your trial lawyerwas a 'lazy jackass'?"

At the end, when I thought the record was closed (it wasn't), the court reporter asked me how to spell the name of the witness who testified against my client at trial.

• "The spelling of his name? L-I-A-R. That's how it's spelled."

If depositions were like parties, I don't feel like I'd be invited back to one any time soon.