Jean is going to learn not to mess with me

Dear Non-Client:

Thank you for your unprompted, unexpected call today. I am very pleased that, in your quest to find an attorney, you found my name and number. Unfortunately, I will not be able to represent you.

I am thrilled to learn that you "heard I am the best," even though I am 100% certain that you have heard no such thing. I also appreciate that, 6 minutes into the conversation, you admitted that you were in prison. I don't want to jeopardize our new and fragile relationship, but I already knew that.

Some people can always tell when it's about to rain. I can always tell when a phone call is originating from a state correctional institution.

I appreciate how thoroughly you have considered your legal options. You want to sue the Department of Corrections for $100,000 because you almost swallowed a chicken bone that was hiding in your soup, but you would settle out of court for $50,000 and immediate parole. You would also give me, your attorney, 15% of any amount won.

I like your enthusiasm, but I love your generosity.

I also appreciate that you're looking at this realistically. You told me that you know the immediate parole might be a "pipe dream" but wanted me to "sound them out on it all the same."

I've done a number of things as a lawyer that I have found to be humiliating. I have asked 7 hours worth of deposition questions about a used condom and errant sperm. I have pulled aside an attractive prosecutor to have a hushed conversation about what, exactly, constitutes "manual genital manipulation" in a prostitution case. And I have watched, with my boss, a crude homemade sex video to determine whether my client was conscious during its taping.

But I'm not asking anyone...I mean anyone...to let you out of prison because you found a bone in your chicken soup. Not even just to "sound them out on it."

I'm very sorry, and I wish you the best of luck. What's that? Can I refer you to another attorney? No, no...I'm afraid I can't. Oh, wait. Yes. As a matter of fact, I can. Call Jean. Here's her office number. And her cell. Make sure you tell her I sent you.

Best of luck,
Unfortunate Lawyer