I am karma's bitch.

I break up with everyone I know each Valentine's Day. The 4 preceding posts are the break-up letters from the past 4 years. Because I broke so many hearts yesterday, I became karma's bitch at exactly 4:35pm. Here's a rough schedule of my Valentine's Day 2008:

2:00pm - Meet with Client outside courtroom. Client is 40 years old, mentally ill, and has had a legal guardian and conservator for years. Client lives at a hospital domiciliary an hour from the courthouse.

2:30pm - Hearing begins. Client's guardian tries to have her committed to residential psychiatric care. I argue that Client is just FINE, and should be living independently.

2:31pm - Judge decides that Client and I will lose this case, but lets me argue for another 2 hours anyway.

3:30pm - Client's boyfriend (and ride back to the domiciliary) is taken away from the courthouse in handcuffs due to 1 outstanding felony warrant and 1 mean-spirited phone call to the sheriff by Client's evil sister.

4:30pm - Courthouse officially closes.

4:35pm - Client adjudged mentally incompetent, in need of continued guardianship, and committed to a residential psychiatric care facility.

4:36pm - Hysterical crying.

4:37pm - Client realizes her boyfriend is gone. More crying.

4:38pm - I realize there is no one to drive Client back to the hospital domiciliary but me. Client still crying. Now I feel like crying, too.

4:45pm - Attempting to think of someone...anyone...who doesn't have plans on Valentine's Day who can come with me.

4:46pm - Call Brad, who has plans after all. Shit.

4:50pm - In the car. Client, crying, insists she knows how to get home. Glance at the map and give map to Client so Client will be occupied with something for the hour-long trip.

5:00pm - Stop #1. Client rifles through purse for change to buy a soda. I offer to purchase said soda when Client is seen counting pennies, becoming frustrated, throwing pennies back into purse, and counting again. Client further requests string cheese. I oblige, thinking it is a small price to pay for an smooth and uneventful trip.

5:12pm - Stop #2. Hysterical crying episode and "smoke break".

5:20pm - Miss exit.

5:30pm - Realize we have have missed exit.

5:31pm - Gently tell Client we have missed exit, and ask to look at the map. Question received by hysterical crying and screaming, "I'M IN CHARGE OF THE MAP! I'M IN CHARGE OF THE MAP!"

5:45pm - Stop #3. Exit, park, look at map. Phone call to Brad to confirm: still alive, not killed and eaten by Client.

6:00pm - Approach mile-long dam over lake in the dark, with freezing rain. Recall that I can't see at night and am terrified of driving over bridges.

6:01pm - Start across bridge. Driving, white-knuckled and nervous, not listening to whatever Client is screaming about this time.

6:03pm - Client takes my silence as a "bad answer" to whatever question was asked. Client has "episode", slamming herself against the seat and screaming at me with her finger in my face.

6:04pm - Stop #4. Safely across bridge. Pull over to get some air. Resign to self that this is where I will surely die, at the hands of Client. Text Brad to say goodbye and to tell him that I love him.

6:30pm - Arrive at domiciliary, miraculously.

6:35pm - Talk privately with nurse about putting Client on suicide watch for the night. See nurse take Client down hall to room. Wave goodbye to client. Breathe sigh of relief.

6:47pm - Reach for keys in briefcase. Discover wallet missing.

Final scene:

7:02pm - Hospital Domiciliary Psych Ward:

3 people screaming.
Client and Nurse in a physical tug-of-war over wallet in a room with padded walls.
Nurse screaming, "Give it to me! Give it to me!"
Client screaming, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Unfortunate Lawyer, please don't send me to jail!"
Me, wildly waving my arms in the hallway screaming, "It's okay, it's okay. She can keep it!"

Happy Valentine's Day to me.