I got a letter from my health insurance company today telling me how to get pregnant.
"Dear Unfortunate Lawyer: We have analyzed medical claims data that indicate you might be interested in or are pursuing treatment for infertility. We want to make you aware that UnitedHealthcare has infertility services available to you..."
Wow, UnitedHealthcare. Wow, did you ever get that one wrong.
"You and your partner have access to a network of superior services...etc, etc...we look forward to helping you on your journey."
Really? Do you? Because I could list 1,000 things that I want right now, and exactly none of those things would be "baby." In fact, if there's one thing I dislike more than the sound of children playing, it's the sound of children singing. And if there's one thing I detest more than the sound of children singing, it's the sound of babies crying. But sure, let's do this. Let's embark on this beautiful journey together. A journey that started, apparently, with me changing my birth control prescription, and progressed to you writing me letters about my unwanted child and a "partner" that I don't have. Thanks. I can't wait to see where we go from here.
8.06.2009
What the $#@%!
When people go out to dinner, they normally do not order dessert. That has been my experience and it kind of pisses me off. People will inevitably say no when the waiter comes by the table and asks if anyone is interested in dessert. Why? Why don't you want any dessert? You're too full? Really? I don't think so. I think you're just too afraid to say you want dessert because you think people will secretly judge you.
There is, however, a time when almost everyone will order dessert. That is when it's someone's birthday. But here's the thing: if it's someone's birthday, there will usually be a group of people and they will only order ONE DESSERT. I went out to dinner for three of my friends' birthdays in January. And of course this is what happened.
I sat in my corner of the table silently brewing over the complete absurdity of the decision to order one dessert for eight people. How does that make sense? How is that logical? IT'S NOT. But I told myself to relax. Everything would be okay. The fact that my friends think it's just FINE to order one dessert for eight people would probably mean that I would not get to have very much of it. I reassured myself that I could always go to the McDonald's drive thru and get a sundae afterward. Because I do things like that.
When the dessert came, everyone took one bite. No one seemed to care about it. Pretty soon I was eating that entire thing by myself.
There is, however, a time when almost everyone will order dessert. That is when it's someone's birthday. But here's the thing: if it's someone's birthday, there will usually be a group of people and they will only order ONE DESSERT. I went out to dinner for three of my friends' birthdays in January. And of course this is what happened.
I sat in my corner of the table silently brewing over the complete absurdity of the decision to order one dessert for eight people. How does that make sense? How is that logical? IT'S NOT. But I told myself to relax. Everything would be okay. The fact that my friends think it's just FINE to order one dessert for eight people would probably mean that I would not get to have very much of it. I reassured myself that I could always go to the McDonald's drive thru and get a sundae afterward. Because I do things like that.
When the dessert came, everyone took one bite. No one seemed to care about it. Pretty soon I was eating that entire thing by myself.
7.26.2009
I ain't that baby's daddy, but I treat him like my own.
Lawyers make mistakes: we miss deadlines, we forget things in our calculations, and sometimes we just lose when we really should have won.
Occasionally, on an ill-fated Friday, we ask the wrong person for sperm.
Occasionally, on an ill-fated Friday, we ask the wrong person for sperm.
I think the lesson here is that when your job is to ask a young father to donate sperm to the mother of his child, so that she can have another baby, you shouldn't just grab the file on the top of your stack and dial the number. Because you might end up asking a 50-year old, divorced, happily re-married man if his ex-wife (whom he divorced 10 years ago) can please have some of his sperm in a cup. And when he sounds confused and asks what, exactly, you're talking about, you might repeat the entire pitch one more time before realizing that something has gone horribly, terribly wrong.
It could happen. I'm just saying.
2.12.2009
In your hallucination, were the "C"s open or closed?
Boss #6 is back in the office after a case of pneumonia.
"You know," he said, "When I was laying there - sick, sweating, not knowing where I was - I think I was hallucinating, because I looked into the closet and I swear I saw a Coach purse."
"Doesn't your wife have a Coach purse?"
"This was different."
"You know," he said, "When I was laying there - sick, sweating, not knowing where I was - I think I was hallucinating, because I looked into the closet and I swear I saw a Coach purse."
"Doesn't your wife have a Coach purse?"
"This was different."
I want you back.
Dear Dish Network SmartCard:
I am coming for you. Hang on.
My television warned me that I needed you, or my cable would stop working. Still, I didn't watch for you in the mail. That was my fault. Sure, I could call my cable company and have them send a new card, but that could be 4...5...maybe 6 or more days without television. So that's not going to work. Besides, I know exactly where you are. Just hold on.
Love,
Unfortunate
Dear 96-Gallon Trash Bin:
I wish I had rolled you out to the curb last week. Or the week before. Because now you are quite full and you smell unpleasant. And I am about to do something very shameful to get my cable television back.
See you soon, with a surgical mask and rubber gloves,
Unfortunate
I am coming for you. Hang on.
My television warned me that I needed you, or my cable would stop working. Still, I didn't watch for you in the mail. That was my fault. Sure, I could call my cable company and have them send a new card, but that could be 4...5...maybe 6 or more days without television. So that's not going to work. Besides, I know exactly where you are. Just hold on.
Love,
Unfortunate
Dear 96-Gallon Trash Bin:
I wish I had rolled you out to the curb last week. Or the week before. Because now you are quite full and you smell unpleasant. And I am about to do something very shameful to get my cable television back.
See you soon, with a surgical mask and rubber gloves,
Unfortunate
2.02.2009
Indecent Proposal
I watched "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" last night and it made me hope for one thing:
If a guy ever proposes to me, I want him to be shirtless.
If a guy ever proposes to me, I want him to be shirtless.
1.13.2009
2008: In Review
Favorite comeback beverage: Diet 7-Up
Favorite new TV show: Skins on BBC America
Most egregious legal mishap: turning in State Supreme Court brief 88 days late
Most commonplace thing I still don't understand: airline 'miles.' (I have been flying for two decades and I have never earned one of these miles. I also do not know how to earn them, where to store them, or how to trade them in for candy.)
3 Things I ate that I shouldn't have: that chili we made, casino birthday buffet, vegetables
Most unsettling obsession: floods (Runner-Up: Great Ape Trust)
Best day of the year: February 29 (It was an extra day.)
Number of times I attempted to read first Twilight book: 6 (Teen romance? Love it. Vampires? Can't get enough. But the number of times and the manner in which she described whats-her-name being carried on that vampire's back while he ran really really fast was weird and gross.)
Total billable hours: 1,760
Best place to look for me when I'm missing: Embassy Suites lobby
Least polite thing I did: dipped finger in your egg nog when you weren't looking
Most common thing prepared in my house: Crystal Light (Runner-up: revenge)
Most elaborate April Fool's Day prank: Sending a press release to your hometown newspaper, which, it turns out, will print just about anything without checking facts (Runner Up: 760 Dixie cups)
Favorite new TV show: Skins on BBC America
Most egregious legal mishap: turning in State Supreme Court brief 88 days late
Most commonplace thing I still don't understand: airline 'miles.' (I have been flying for two decades and I have never earned one of these miles. I also do not know how to earn them, where to store them, or how to trade them in for candy.)
3 Things I ate that I shouldn't have: that chili we made, casino birthday buffet, vegetables
Most unsettling obsession: floods (Runner-Up: Great Ape Trust)
Best day of the year: February 29 (It was an extra day.)
Number of times I attempted to read first Twilight book: 6 (Teen romance? Love it. Vampires? Can't get enough. But the number of times and the manner in which she described whats-her-name being carried on that vampire's back while he ran really really fast was weird and gross.)
Total billable hours: 1,760
Best place to look for me when I'm missing: Embassy Suites lobby
Least polite thing I did: dipped finger in your egg nog when you weren't looking
Most common thing prepared in my house: Crystal Light (Runner-up: revenge)
Most elaborate April Fool's Day prank: Sending a press release to your hometown newspaper, which, it turns out, will print just about anything without checking facts (Runner Up: 760 Dixie cups)
Most frequently-used item: spoon (Runner-Up: law degree)
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