I will stay a boy forever, and be banished if I don't

I arrived at trial this morning early enough to ask the court attendant for a Band-Aid for my hand.

Unfortunate Lawyer: "Thanks. I looked everywhere this morning, but could only find Spiderman, Care Bears, and Jesus Band-Aids."

Lori the Court Attendant: "Oh, I didn't know you had kids!"

Unfortunate Lawyer: "I don't."



I realize now that I probably should have thought about the quality and maturity level of my personal first-aid collection before looking at her like she was the weird one.

Sometimes Your Words Just Hypnotize Me

One of our legal assistants is prone to panic attacks. Last week, she went to see a hypnotist because she heard it might help. Before she went, we joked that the hypnotist might secretly add some extra trigger words so that she would, with certain cues, start acting like a bear or a donkey or a Rockette.

She came back to the office without incident, but the rest of the work day was interrupted by my 42-year old boss randomly shouting words and snickering. "Hey, can you copy this because SMORGASBORD I need it for my deposition tomorrow AQUARIUS. And don't forget that I'll be gone the whole day CORIANDER but will try to return some calls after work hours RED BARON."

He was quiet for a minute while she stared at him and gathered the papers. But he couldn't stop. "Flabbergast! Snorkel! Sassafrass! ORVILLE REDENBACHER!"

Nothing happened. He eventually walked away disappointed, but not before muttering "BOUFFANT" and looking at her expectantly.

It's a wonder we get anything done at this office.

Terrified Pickles!

When my mother sends me things in the mail, she's not trying to be weird. It just ends up that way, every single time.

My friend Melissa puts effort into it. When she sent me Snap-a-Party plastic ware last year for no particular reason or occasion, I didn't think it was strange. I just started planning the events for which I might use the gift, which came complete with napkin rings and toothpicks.

And, when I recently received a misshapen package in the mail from Alaska, I was delighted with its contents:

The Jesus band-aids are especially useful right now. But no one has called me on my hamburger.


UPDATE: After I thanked her for the Hannah Montana pen (which plays music), Melissa replied:

"The lady at the post office asked what I got you for your birthday, and when I told her, she asked how old you were. After I said you were 30, she responded (while shaking her head in an 'I'm disappointed in you' way), "Well, it's the thought that counts."

They [refuse to] call me '3-Stitch'

I'm in an 8-week woodcarving class with a couple of friends. During our introductory class, our instructor, Jim, announced that he's had students cut themselves while working, but he's never had one die. Then, as he walked away, we heard him mumble, "Except for Betty Stimler..."

Five weeks into the class, the fate of Betty Stimler is still unknown. Beyond that, the class has had its ups and downs:

Up: Our classmates. We've won-over Rex (woodcarver's fanny pack) and Pat (orange). Glenna (center, hiding) is playing hard to get.

Down: My ear of corn (middle) was lost in the mail to my sister, who received only a chewed up envelope in a plastic bag with a note that said "The Post Office cares."

Up: My chicken, which is the greatest thing I have ever made. Ever.

Down: My midnight trip to the emergency room. I broke Jim's ONE rule of woodcarving: Keep Things That Bleed out of the way of Things That Cut. To make matters worse, I've been trying to jumpstart a new nickname for myself all day, and no one is playing along.

Thanks, but no Thanks for that Obituary to Nowhere

Check out the following e-mail conversation:

1)
Hi Adam and Jessamy,
I just wanted to send my condolences to Adam (& Jessamy). I read about your grandfather's passing in the Times. It sounded like he was a great man. I am sorry about your loss.
Love,Wendy (& Josh)
Peace, Love, and Burritos,
Wendy
LLC Moe's Catering

2)
Hi Wendy,
Thank you for the the thoughts, however, although my grandfather is terminally ill and a great man, he lives in Cincinnati and I'm pretty sure he is still alive. I don't know Jessamy so I think you must have found the wrong Adam.
Thank you anyway!
Adam

3)
I am sorry, the Times reported a Seth Macon V----- of North Carolina with Adam (& Jessamy) listed at one of eight grandchildren. I am really sorry about that.I wish your real grandfather the best. I feel like a total idiot!

Animal Vests

When I was a law student, I took a class that required me to go to court and represent people charged with crimes under the supervision of my professor. I had assumed that I would need to buy a suit for when I appeared in court. However, on my first day of court, I had still not purchased a suit. I was afraid that I would be terribly underdressed. Then I noticed what the prosecutor was wearing: a sparkly vest with three-dimensional lions, tigers, and giraffes on it.

Well, I thought as I looked at her. Guess I don't need to buy a suit.

Exclamation Point

I'm not supposed to type my own letters at work. I have been trained to dictate them into a tape recorder for my secretary to type, and I have been taught that this is faster and more efficient than typing them myself.

When we dictate letters, we say the punctuation. For example, my dictation of a letter might sound like this: "Dear Penelope colon What are you trying to prove question mark My friend Joby likes your blog posts more than he likes mine period new paragraph..."

But that's not how you're supposed to talk in real life.

At a recent hearing, I was cross-examining a witness...and it had been a long day. I looked down at my paperwork and casually asked, "Ms. Jones, did you participate in mediation on February nineteen comma two thousand eight?"

"Excuse me?" she asked, as the judge's head and that of the opposing lawyer snapped towards me in perfect unison.

"Uh...sorry, Ms. Jones. I'll ask that question again."


When I relayed the story to my mother (who is funny but who does not make fun) responded, "O boy. That's a blunder. I'm surprised you didn't say 'question mark' at the end."