I ain't that baby's daddy, but I treat him like my own.

Lawyers make mistakes: we miss deadlines, we forget things in our calculations, and sometimes we just lose when we really should have won.

Occasionally, on an ill-fated Friday, we ask the wrong person for sperm.

I think the lesson here is that when your job is to ask a young father to donate sperm to the mother of his child, so that she can have another baby, you shouldn't just grab the file on the top of your stack and dial the number. Because you might end up asking a 50-year old, divorced, happily re-married man if his ex-wife (whom he divorced 10 years ago) can please have some of his sperm in a cup. And when he sounds confused and asks what, exactly, you're talking about, you might repeat the entire pitch one more time before realizing that something has gone horribly, terribly wrong.

It could happen. I'm just saying.

In your hallucination, were the "C"s open or closed?

Boss #6 is back in the office after a case of pneumonia.

"You know," he said, "When I was laying there - sick, sweating, not knowing where I was - I think I was hallucinating, because I looked into the closet and I swear I saw a Coach purse."

"Doesn't your wife have a Coach purse?"

"This was different."

I want you back.

Dear Dish Network SmartCard:

I am coming for you. Hang on.

My television warned me that I needed you, or my cable would stop working. Still, I didn't watch for you in the mail. That was my fault. Sure, I could call my cable company and have them send a new card, but that could be 4...5...maybe 6 or more days without television. So that's not going to work. Besides, I know exactly where you are. Just hold on.

Love,
Unfortunate


Dear 96-Gallon Trash Bin:

I wish I had rolled you out to the curb last week. Or the week before. Because now you are quite full and you smell unpleasant. And I am about to do something very shameful to get my cable television back.

See you soon, with a surgical mask and rubber gloves,
Unfortunate

Indecent Proposal

I watched "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" last night and it made me hope for one thing:

If a guy ever proposes to me, I want him to be shirtless.

2008: In Review

Favorite comeback beverage: Diet 7-Up

Favorite new TV show: Skins on BBC America

Most egregious legal mishap: turning in State Supreme Court brief 88 days late

Most commonplace thing I still don't understand: airline 'miles.' (I have been flying for two decades and I have never earned one of these miles. I also do not know how to earn them, where to store them, or how to trade them in for candy.)

3 Things I ate that I shouldn't have: that chili we made, casino birthday buffet, vegetables

Most unsettling obsession: floods (Runner-Up: Great Ape Trust)

Best day of the year: February 29 (It was an extra day.)

Number of times I attempted to read first Twilight book: 6 (Teen romance? Love it. Vampires? Can't get enough. But the number of times and the manner in which she described whats-her-name being carried on that vampire's back while he ran really really fast was weird and gross.)

Total billable hours: 1,760

Best place to look for me when I'm missing: Embassy Suites lobby

Least polite thing I did: dipped finger in your egg nog when you weren't looking

Most common thing prepared in my house: Crystal Light (Runner-up: revenge)

Most elaborate April Fool's Day prank: Sending a press release to your hometown newspaper, which, it turns out, will print just about anything without checking facts (Runner Up: 760 Dixie cups)

Most frequently-used item: spoon (Runner-Up: law degree)

I'm here to [dis]please

I've decided that I'm no longer going to begin court hearings by standing up and saying "May it please the Court."

It has become clear that very little of what I do pleases the Court.

Very little.

My New Fitness Program

I recently saw an advertisement on TV while watching VH1's top twenty video countdown. The advertisement is for a workout program called "Flirty Girl Fitness." As far as I can tell, the workout consists of learning "classic sexy dance moves" from a variety of places. There are a number of DVDs available for sale, so you can do this workout program at home. Instead of treadmills, stairmasters, and weights, you get to work out with kitchen chairs, feather boas, and stripper poles. The dancing is so much fun that apparently, you forget that you're working out. Well that sounds great. Couldn't we all use a workout program like that? But here's what I really want to know: if I forget that I'm working out, will I also forget that by doing this program, I might as well just get a job as a stripper? Will I forget that I am shredding any hint of my dignity while dancing with a pink feather boa and straddling my kitchen chairs? Will I forget that I'll never be able to look at myself in the mirror again after dancing in my living room to DVDs titled "Booty Beat" and "Just Teasing?"

Why don't you get back to me on that, Flirty Girl Fitness. Then I might consider ordering your Teaser Collection Kit, and possibly even a "Fitness" Pole with the extension.